Should I keep a relationship with my dad? (PLEASE READ)

[TheVenomWithin]

 

People like this don't deserve to be a part of your family. You're better than them.

Wrong. Freaking. Mindset.

[comfortable]

We can't make the decision, either choice is a gamble.

 

I am not going to give my two cents however because I feel arguments have been well-presented already.

[A Turn For The Best]

Just going to add that if this person wasn't related to you in any way (i.e. a stranger), then you certainly wouldn't put up with even an OUNCE of what you have told us you have. Just being your father doesn't give him a right to treat you like shit. Just sayin', it's not worth it.

[Fc* vi]

Wrong. Freaking. Mindset.

 

I don't post on this forum because I'm not a trader but I was here just watching buds dying 'cause I think it's hilarious and I saw this whole forum post and felt like I could relate, but then I saw your posts and I am honestly fuming.

 

Your previous post says something along the lines of "if it gets worse", which makes me think that you're failing to realise that the OP has been suffering YEARS of abuse. It's not just his dad being a dick for a week, it's literally years. This isn't something OP can just stop at will and just say "stop pls xdd" and everything will be okay.

To me, family doesn't mean shit. I'm a transgender girl from London, and the moment I came out, my dad became a horrifically abusive asshole. I tried to ignore him at first and just accept it because "duhh he's my dad it'll be fine", but he didn't stop, after asking my mother for help, and now I do not consider him family, nor do I have any love for him whatsoever. To feel any kind of love for someone that has consistently treated you poorly in the past is both dangerous, as it can just lead to you forgiving them, and creating an awful loop where the victim can just be dragged back into the situation.

So, OP, I would heavily recommend you do what you can to distance yourself from him, and do not be fooled because he's family, cause that's bullshit. Surround yourself with loving friends and considering them family.

 

I can't be bothered to quote exactly but you said that we're biased due to our issues with our fathers. I'd like to just point out how easily that can be reversed. That is all.

 

(Also, if you ever need to talk to someone about it, I'm always around).

[HubertSuo]

My opinion: cut ties with him and go on with your mother or anyone you are currently living with. As long you build expectations with hers and yourself, you become better. I grew up without a father in my earliest years whom rumors has abused my mother, brothers and sisters non-stop.

 

With that said, your father will continue to stay abusive if you keep him in your life. You would prefer to live a life without a whole stock of weight on your shoulders because of a person.

[WDZ-RR Poncho Sullivan]

All things considered, your father is nothing but a heartless bastard. Always has been, still is, and always will be. He is a manipulative liar, he is a fucking drug addict, he abused his own flesh and blood, he is manipulating your own brother to make you feel guilty about something your own father caused, and at this point, he is not going to change. What kind of loving father makes his own son an orphan, let alone a punching bag.

He has burned the bridge to the point that there is no bridge remaining, he is never going to change, and you yourself have said that he has wished you were aborted and kill yourself. My advice to you is to not have a father figure in your life rather than this complete asshole  since he has the personality of broken record. You know the qualities that a father, let alone a man, should have, and you do the exact opposite of what your father has done and live your life your way. 

 

Your father raised a fist against you. The protocol is obvious. You know what must be done.

[Chimera]

I don't post on this forum because I'm not a trader but I was here just watching buds dying 'cause I think it's hilarious and I saw this whole forum post and felt like I could relate, but then I saw your posts and I am honestly fuming.

 

Your previous post says something along the lines of "if it gets worse", which makes me think that you're failing to realise that the OP has been suffering YEARS of abuse. It's not just his dad being a dick for a week, it's literally years. This isn't something OP can just stop at will and just say "stop pls xdd" and everything will be okay.

To me, family doesn't mean shit. I'm a transgender girl from London, and the moment I came out, my dad became a horrifically abusive asshole. I tried to ignore him at first and just accept it because "duhh he's my dad it'll be fine", but he didn't stop, after asking my mother for help, and now I do not consider him family, nor do I have any love for him whatsoever. To feel any kind of love for someone that has consistently treated you poorly in the past is both dangerous, as it can just lead to you forgiving them, and creating an awful loop where the victim can just be dragged back into the situation.

So, OP, I would heavily recommend you do what you can to distance yourself from him, and do not be fooled because he's family, cause that's bullshit. Surround yourself with loving friends and considering them family.

 

I can't be bothered to quote exactly but you said that we're biased due to our issues with our fathers. I'd like to just point out how easily that can be reversed. That is all.

 

(Also, if you ever need to talk to someone about it, I'm always around).

Venom is a good friend, his heart is in the right place. He's been doing this for all my life, and it's hard to forgive him. I appreciate your help, and if it comes down to it I'll definitely let you know, thank you so much.

 

My opinion: cut ties with him and go on with your mother or anyone you are currently living with. As long you build expectations with hers and yourself, you become better. I grew up without a father in my earliest years whom rumors has abused my mother, brothers and sisters non-stop.

 

With that said, your father will continue to stay abusive if you keep him in your life. You would prefer to live a life without a whole stock of weight on your shoulders because of a person.

I am aware, and I don't believe in his change. As far as I know he's already back on drugs. I apologize about your father, but it's probably for the best that he's gone. I think I should just not trust him and maybe just talk to him when he talks to me. I appreciate the advice.

 

All things considered, your father is nothing but a heartless bastard. Always has been, still is, and always will be. He is a manipulative liar, he is a fucking drug addict, he abused his own flesh and blood, he is manipulating your own brother to make you feel guilty about something your own father caused, and at this point, he is not going to change. What kind of loving father makes his own son an orphan, let alone a punching bag.

He has burned the bridge to the point that there is no bridge remaining, he is never going to change, and you yourself have said that he has wished you were aborted and kill yourself. My advice to you is to not have a father figure in your life rather than this complete asshole  since he has the personality of broken record. You know the qualities that a father, let alone a man, should have, and you do the exact opposite of what your father has done and live your life your way. 

 

Your father raised a fist against you. The protocol is obvious. You know what must be done.

I believe this, and it's scary to let him back into my life. I just don't want to be that guy that says "oh my father beat me and abuses me". The feeling of just growing up alone scares me, and this is why I am fighting myself.

 

Once again, I really appreciate all your guys' help.

[CUD]

If you can afford it get away from him and don't look back. No father should act like that and any father that does doesn't deserve any one to stay living with them, he should be left alone to be the miserable piece of shit that he is. You don't need assholes like that in your life. Get out and try to live a happy life, you can do it and hopefully you can find some people to help you along the way. Good luck.

[SinarcH]

Family isn't always dictated by the blood you have or the DNA you share with others. It can be a matter of connection, history, feeling, affection and more etc. Just because someone is biologically your family doesn't entitle them to treat you badly time and time again. I'm a little older than most of the people who post here, and I have gone through similar situations with a particular family member over and over, believing that they could and would change. I decided to give them another chance last year for the sake of my other family, and again, thought it was the best thing to do not only for myself but for everyone else involved. Here I am 8 months later and I need to remove myself from the situation again. You seem like the type of person who wants to do almost anything for it to work, but this a case of two way traffic. You need both sides to put in the effort for things to work. Every single relationship whether it be bf/gf; father son, husband wife etc etc needs continuous work and compromise to function properly. It's not simply a given, no matter how similar or compatible the people involved are. Ultimately the decision is on yourself, and you must be going through a lot of grief to reach out on a public forum. But my advice would be to figure out what you want, and don't compromise or look back once you've made up your mind. If you want to try and have a relationship with him, tell him on YOUR terms, not his, and if it works out, at least you made things clear and he understands what is causing you grief. If it doesn't work out, then at least you tried and you can move on knowing that you tried on your own terms and it wasn't your own fault that things didn't turn out how you wished. Alternatively you move on and understand that it's not meant to be, and that no matter how much you change or try, if the other party isn't willing to put in the same effort, things will never change. I'm not going to comment on your father's behaviour and call him certain things, because usually in these cases the people who lash out are or have been victims of circumstance. Who were raised similarly, and had the same type of upbringing which lead to them being the way they are now and to their own children. I hope you see the importance of acknowledging this fact and be the bigger person to break such a cycle. Lastly, I'm going to share a quote with you I stumbled across the other day which I thought was relevant to my own situation and may help with your own. "Don't let your loyalty become slavery. Know when to let go and never compromise on self-respect." Good luck and best wishes with whatever choice you make, I sincerely hope things turn around for you.

[Spicy Ham]

I don't post on this forum because I'm not a trader but I was here just watching buds dying 'cause I think it's hilarious and I saw this whole forum post and felt like I could relate, but then I saw your posts and I am honestly fuming.

 

Your previous post says something along the lines of "if it gets worse", which makes me think that you're failing to realise that the OP has been suffering YEARS of abuse. It's not just his dad being a dick for a week, it's literally years. This isn't something OP can just stop at will and just say "stop pls xdd" and everything will be okay.

To me, family doesn't mean shit. I'm a transgender girl from London, and the moment I came out, my dad became a horrifically abusive asshole. I tried to ignore him at first and just accept it because "duhh he's my dad it'll be fine", but he didn't stop, after asking my mother for help, and now I do not consider him family, nor do I have any love for him whatsoever. To feel any kind of love for someone that has consistently treated you poorly in the past is both dangerous, as it can just lead to you forgiving them, and creating an awful loop where the victim can just be dragged back into the situation.

So, OP, I would heavily recommend you do what you can to distance yourself from him, and do not be fooled because he's family, cause that's bullshit. Surround yourself with loving friends and considering them family.

 

I can't be bothered to quote exactly but you said that we're biased due to our issues with our fathers. I'd like to just point out how easily that can be reversed. That is all.

 

(Also, if you ever need to talk to someone about it, I'm always around).

 

For someone who's saying things with heavy implications around mindsets and perspectives you're not very tolerant of other peoples perspectives, are you?

Humans act solely based on the education they have received; the actions which we take are based on the experiences we have had in the past. That is why we are all different, we have all experienced different things in life and thereby will act in different ways. To spread the connotations of that forgiveness isn't always an option is a toxic one at best, not everyone has had the same experiences as you and thereby you shouldn't expect everyone to act the same as you or have the same perspective on life. A lot of people in this world don't educate themselves on tumblr and check their privilege on the regular and you shouldn't expect them to.

Don't expect everyone to think the same as you.

[Ascent_]

Some real advice though, see if your insurance (if you have it) covers a counselor. No offense but there are some problems that can't be dealt with through an online message board. A great deal of adults have them and they are a great help with you clearing your mind

[Galzra87]

I would say to take him to the court for physical and psycological agression. Even if you dont have scars, someone in your family surely saw and will be willing to tell that to the court. Having a restraint ordonnance on him to prevent him for doing any more harm to you or your family (including all your family, grandparents, brother, mother etc)

[bugsteravengerz]

give him a chance. Ok, so you have been through a lot. Just get on with your life, but don't lose contact with him, go your ways but talk to him every so often, and maybe push him to stop being a drug addict and help him with his life, I'm sure he is sorry for what he put you through, but don't dwell on it. That is in the past and we live in the present, you should never look back on the past, if it is not very nice. Just try your hardest, and forget. I know it sounds hard but honestly, you shouldn't dwell on what has happened to you. Live your life to the full mate

[Timmy The Darn Danger]

What I think, and I believe most people can back me up on this, is that you have given him too many chances and only received empty promises. It's time to move on. Take the risk, and get him out of your life.

[Karam]

Yo chimmy .. long time no see

 

And i really dont know, your situation is really hard. Can you raise your little brother and mom financially ? Or do you rely heavily on your grandparents. ? 

Anyhow .. both choices might have consequences, if you believed him and that he will improve and be a better man, it might actually help him mentally that his older son is there for him and he might actually become better and you would have saved him from his misery over your own expense, that is the best case scenario, worst case scenario that he stays as he is.

The other choice that leave him as memory and move on with your family, while this might be the most logical solution, personally i would go with the first one, while i am in no position to judge as i never experienced the things you did, but my guts tell me to forgive him, at least that is how i was raised and mindset

[Noot ♥]

If you can't beat them, join them

By join them, I mean learn how to cope with your dad's issues

 

Important life lessons are always learned the hard way

[CUD]

If you can't beat them, join them

By join them, I mean learn how to cope with your dad's issues

 

Important life lessons are always learned the hard way

 

You're telling him he should learn a lesson by letting his dad beat him? Nice advice.

[rxgHyperion]

I hope you can get this sorted out. If I were in your shoes, I would endure it until I could get into college. After college, find a profession in something you take passion in, and live a nice life. Forget your dad, he ain't worth shit. Any child-beating maniac deserves no respect from anyone. 

I hope you figure something out. You will be in my prayers.

[ThatOtherChigga #Mack]

I do look toward the future, but where do I start? I have no motivation to do anything because I'm just constantly haunted by his words and actions.

Go to college and then get a job. If you're having trouble coping with the mental aspects of your past, you should see a therapist.

[Professional Map Painter]

I'd get help from a counselor/therapist if I was in your situation. As for cutting ties, that does look like the best option from the impression of your dad I got from the OP.

[Heated Bread]

You have to look after your own well-being.  Family members like your father are a drain on your mental health and can also pose a financial burden.  Take it from me.  I had an abusive parent.  I gave this person years to change.  Finally, I had enough.  The one thing stopping me was fear.  Fear that I needed that person.  I didn't think I was strong enough to finally cut ties.  Turns out, I was strong enough after all.  I haven't regretted it.  Now the only thing I fear is facing the nightmare of that person trying to stick their self back into my life.

 

If you can do so safely, then by all means, cut ties and don't look back.  You deserve to be happy and to have a good normal life.  If you can't do it now, DO NOT LET ANYONE KNOW YOU'RE PLANNING IT.  Nobody.  You will be sabotaged.  People like your father are destructive and will do whatever it takes to undermine you.  They will get in your head any way that they need to.  Once you've cut ties, or are in the process of doing so, you may face direct and indirect threats from your father.  You have to be strong enough to stand up to them and say no.  Remember that you deserve your independence and you deserve to get respect from others.  Stand your ground.  And try not to put yourself in any situation where you may have to use more than mere words.

[Chimera]

I am going to consult a therapist and burn the other half of the bridges as my dad has burnt them as well. I would like to update and say that me and my girlfriend actually broke up a few minutes ago after I asked her why she let a toxic person back into her life.

[Heated Bread]

I am going to consult a therapist and burn the other half of the bridges as my dad has burnt them as well. I would like to update and say that me and my girlfriend actually broke up a few minutes ago after I asked her why she let a toxic person back into her life.

 

I'm sorry your relationship with your girlfriend ended on a sour note.  I want to restate something I touched on a bit earlier.  In the process of cutting ties, please make sure to be careful not to do or say anything which could hurt you in terms of money, school, or other relationships.  Don't do or say something if you think there is reasonable danger of causing yourself too much harm in a serious area of your life or your future.  This goes for anyone else who may be in a tough situation with their parent(s).  It's good advice when considering whether it's a good time to come out as gay, for example.  Sometimes these things can be delicate and risky, and you do have to look out for yourself, after all.  Best of luck to you, Chimera.

[Fenrir]

II don't see how this is a good thing, and honestly it doesn't help a whole lot. I'm sorry you never met your dad, but at this point I envy you, because you never really had the option to have a battle with yourself. I feel as if he left for good I'd never have to deal with this.

 

Im late here, and this is off topic but, I feel I have to defend my self here. Excuse me if this does not help at all and is not concurrent with the thread.

Its rather hard to say that you envy me, whereas I envy you. It's ultimately harder to have to live with that emptiness and that always stinging. People always tell me "you look just like your dad" but I dont want to ever grow up being like him because he was weak and walked out on my family. And the fact of the matter is, as Dyme Def once put it, "a young man's agin' and you still ain't called." I'm going to college now, and I've never even heard a fucking phone call from my dad. So after he beat my mother some, he just up and left. Its fucked up. 

 

Sometimes the silence is worse than the insults. Im not trying to belittle what you feel at all, your story is pretty messed up.

[Chimera]

Im late here, and this is off topic but, I feel I have to defend my self here. Excuse me if this does not help at all and is not concurrent with the thread.

Its rather hard to say that you envy me, whereas I envy you. It's ultimately harder to have to live with that emptiness and that always stinging. People always tell me "you look just like your dad" but I dont want to ever grow up being like him because he was weak and walked out on my family. And the fact of the matter is, as Dyme Def once put it, "a young man's agin' and you still ain't called." I'm going to college now, and I've never even heard a fucking phone call from my dad. So after he beat my mother some, he just up and left. Its fucked up. 

 

Sometimes the silence is worse than the insults. Im not trying to belittle what you feel at all, your story is pretty messed up.

I understand, I really do. I'd just rather have silence than silence + abuse. He was physically there but never mentally or emotionally, unless it was to belittle me. Other than that he was high or drunk on the couch and pretended I didn't exist.