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A story a dear friend of mine wrote, he needs feedback


Karam

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I feel no joy, no happiness.
I feel nothing but pain and sorrow.
Pain for all who died yesterday,
Pain for all who will die tomorrow.
I look up into the sky and see,
Not a bird, not a plane, but a sad old crow.
I think about what they call "Joy",
And lie awake and alone in the snow.
The crow comes closer and lands at my side,
"What saddens you?" He asks of me.
"The death of those who die, my friend,"
I answer. His reply, "I see."
"Then would you hear me tell my tale?"
I nod my head and give a listen.
"I once was a man, like you, dear friend,
To whom the gift of life was given."
"Put simply, I could never die,
But death befell all those I touched."
"I loved this gift, and I killed and killed,
Until the bloodshed was too much."
"I was not to be stopped by man,
No demon, no god could hold his ground,
Before me all life fled and ran,
And kneeled in fear at my footsteps' sound."
"I grew inured to the sight of blood,
and killing seemed to bore me still."
"And then I thought of all I've done,
Until I lost the drive to kill."
"That's when I met a fair young maiden,
Hair of gold and eyes of green."
"Cowering down there, at my feet, in fear,
Was the prettiest creature I'd ever seen."
"Her radiance simply struck me blind,
Her eyes did take my soul away."
"Her lips were rosen. I can't forget.
Her memory's with me still, till this day."
"I made the foolish, daft mistake,
Of reaching out to touch her face."
"She begged me 'STOP!' but I touched her cheeks,
and right before me, she was erased."
"That moment I could hardly think
Of anything or anyone."
"I screamed and cursed the gods in vain,
My daft mistake can't be undone."
"So I screamed and screamed and cursed,
Wanting this damned gift no more."
"A witch appeared right there and said,
"Your screams tell me your heart is sore."
"I fell to her knees and begged her 'Please'...
'Return that sweet maiden to me!'"
"She said 'Your wish defies the gods,
I cannot give what cannot be."
"I said 'Then may the gods all ROT!'
And the witch then held me by the hand."
"She said 'I'll give you something though,
The gods would allow and understand."
"I'll take away your gift of death,
At quite a miniscule price to pay."
"You'll turn into a Raven, immortal,
But wallow forever in dismay."
"For those who die, day after day,
Until the times cease to exist."
"And I, with the burden of my guilt,
Was far too tempted to resist."
"And thus you see me, as a crow,
Thousands of years and eons after."
"My eyes filled perpetually with tears,
My heart and voice devoid of laughter."
"You see now, both our pains are one,
We dote for those who come to die."
"We feel the sadness as we see,
Their poor souls seeping through their eyes."
I could not find the words to use,
To tell this Raven how I feel.
About the poor young maiden, whose fate
Was something that he, himself, sealed.
And that was when light filled the sky,
And one angel came flying down.
Her eyes were green, her hair was gold,
And she sang with the heavens' sound.
Immediately, the Raven shook,
And shivered at this marvelous sight,
For this was that same girl whose life,
He took on that confounded night.
He flapped his wings, his black black wings,
His feathers scattered everywhere,
And then he simply disappeared,
And came back a man, right then and there.
That man whose hair and eyes were black,
Stared at the angel, with tearful eyes.
Where once was a crow, there stood a man,
With black wings that reached for the skies.
He could not say a word but "How...?"
The angel looked at him and said.
"The gods have seen your true remorse,
And felt the pain inside your head."
"You've been forgiven, oh warrior of old,
Your sins now pale before your pain."
"But I killed you!" He gasps astounded.
"I stand before you all the same,"
She said, and then touched his black wings,
And blessed him with her heart of gold.
She then looked me straight in the eyes.
"This is a story to be told."
"To all those who believe their sins,
Shall never, ever be forgiven."
"It may be long, but they'll be purged,
And they shall find their place in heaven."
I looked upon her and the crow,
The man who stood beside her now.
They looked into each other's eyes,
And kissed each other, as I bowed.
"I thank you, lad," The raven said,
"For you were the first to hear me out."
"The pleasure's mine, my raven friend,"
I answered the man and his love with a shout.
Alas, I failed to let them hear me.
For they were long gone, to the sky.
Where he and his love now belonged,
And the tears stopped leaking from my eyes.
And I felt joy. For then and there,
I saw a union long delayed.
Between a man and a maid he killed,
But their love lived and was there to stay.
I failed, since then, to see the sorrow,
For those who die and those who will.
For I know now that death and pain,
Despair the ones who die and kill.
And I was living, my hands free of blood,
My days passing by oh so fast.
Till now I pray for the angel and the crow,
Please, God, let their love forever last.

inb4 tl;dr
Seriously either read it or don't but don't comment on how long it is if you won't read it.

Feedback will be much appreciated by him, he is a fan of reading/writing so any critics will be useful :)

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I like it, I truly do. Here is a bit of criticism. "The death of those who die, my friend,", line 11. I personally think of those who died would suit better. It sounds better, and just feels better for me.

 

oh and paragraphs. It's really hard to scroll down without losing where you were with reading

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I like it, I truly do. Here is a bit of criticism. "The death of those who die, my friend,", line 11. I personally think of those who died would suit better. It sounds better, and just feels better for me.

 

oh and paragraphs. It's really hard to scroll down without losing where you were with reading

 

Appreciated, will note that down and tell him about it !

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I liked it.

Since I suck I peer editing I'm going to go with it's done

Glad you enjoyed it!

 

Sent from my HTC One V using Tapatalk

 

 

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People with an HTC one V are so cool #oneVgangsterswag

realised it had the signature thingy. And yes, it fell on the floor like a hundred time and fell in water and still running. GG

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  • 2 weeks later...

i know huh

P.s, you look familiar, hmmm

 

 

It would be funny, if you don't even remember me. But maybe becuase it was long time ago :).

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