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help w/ Poems


Fenrir

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Raven in the Snow

Shiny black feathers glistening against the white, driven snow

Snowflakes drop against the mounds of the white’s divine glow

A stark black Raven limps along on hobbled broken talons

It’s jaded eyes survey the winter wonderland’s white palace

With tired eyes and crooked beak, its wings flutter in the blizzard

As it tries to lift against the winter gale, the ice blows against his gizzard

With a steady motion of flapping wings, the Raven slowly elevates

Above the icicles, snow flurry, and winter wind he steadily skates

But alas, the frozen squall batters him and the frozen hail pelts him down,

He falls to earth, and it is there, under a pile of powdered snow, he will drown.

 

Bandits

A band of bandits roll into town, kicking up dust, on shiny, new motorcycles

They steal Jane’s TV, Ernie’s money, and that family heirloom of Michael’s

The brigands take the town’s silverware and every single shined shoe buckle

They rob jewelry, radios, speakers and everything in between with a chuckle

They burglarize golden rings, jewel encrusted necklaces, and every other thing

They plunder cash, clothes, furniture and any other valuable they can bring

As they steal everything they can find, they set the town on fire in a blazing hell

And then they take the small and sickly children of the town off with them as well

They take vases, wares, pottery, computers, phones and valuable picture frames

They take it all, with no remorse, as they stand with their backs to the flames.

They approach the villagers, and even steal their fingers off their hands

They rob them of their arms and legs they do, these bandits of the badlands

They take until the townspeople have nothing more which they could give

The bandits take until they even take away their very will to live

The bandits take off, saying, slyly “Thank you, you have done your partâ€

The townspeople yell back, “Take what you will, but you’ll never take our heart!â€


Where Dead Dreams Go

“What do you want to do with your life?â€

In response, I let a single, beautiful dream escape my lips

I receive a hard look, his eyes a knife

“You can’t do that, so make sure your expectation slips.â€

And thus my dream dies in it’s short wake.

It twirls, spiraling towards the sky like a deflating balloon

I’ll probably never see it again, give or take.

It floats up ahead, almost like on direct course for the moon

where it went, I’ll probably never ever know,

I’ll just know it went to wherever dead dreams go

 

Thoughts? and did you get the message?

its for my english class, I have to write some poems about marginilization and the effect it has on your life, anyone have any ideas?

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Personally, it needs some ambiguity with the entire poem being a metaphor basically. Perhaps include something that like "It’s jaded eyes survey the winter wonderland’s white palace, Searching for something it once had" What did it have? Happiness? There's the ambiguity. only you know what it's searching for.

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Personally, it needs some ambiguity with the entire poem being a metaphor basically. Perhaps include something that like "It’s jaded eyes survey the winter wonderland’s white palace, Searching for something it once had" What did it have? Happiness? There's the ambiguity. only you know what it's searching for.

 

Im not quite sure what you're saying. Why does it need ambiguity?

Oh and do you have any ideas for other poems I could really use some I have to make 8 of these fuckers >.>

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Im not quite sure what you're saying. Why does it need ambiguity?

Oh and do you have any ideas for other poems I could really use some I have to make 8 of these fuckers >.>

msg on steam

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He falls to earth, and it is there, under a pile of powdered snow, he will drown.

 

 

 

I like it better this way. Might be up to personal preference, since I don't think it is required grammatically. 

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I had to look up a few words, i dont know if its supposed to be easy to interpret in that respect but it wasn't

 

eh? I mean it is a poem so you want to use artistic language

 

added another 2 poems to OP for everyone else if you want to check those out. I only need to write 2 more poems!

I really need some ideas for poems about racism and the effect it has on you

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forced rhymes

they are bad times

 

sounds nothing like actual speech (in your last instance where it is intended to be direct speech) and seems contrived; they add nothing to the poem.

 

Raven in the Snow

Shiny black feathers glisten against the white, driven snow;

Snowflakes drop under his darkening shadow.

Raven limps along on hobbled talons

Jaded eyes survey the winter's palace.

Against gales, his wings sweep,

With tired eyes and crooked beak.

 

In steady motion, the Raven flies

Above the icicles and greying skies,

But squalls batter his wingbeats down,

He falls to earth; and there he drowns.

 

I rewrote the first one. hope you don't mind. it's still very rough and ready but i've changed 'it' to 'he' for the raven which helps personify and enables more identification on the part of the reader. the descriptive language is nice but realistically you're using it as filler and it doesn't flow well so a lot of that is cut to preserve a much more solid rhythm. i default to iambic pentameter when i write because i'm unimaginative and know basically nothing about rhythm but yeah. i think a lot of new writers miss how important it is to engage rhythm and sound, preferring to go vastly descriptive and emotive. in my opinion this wears thin very quickly.

 

all of my edits and statements are just my opinion fyi, anyone is free to hate on it. i just enjoyed making something new out of it.

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I mean, here's me comparing it to poems I've read in English:

 

Your speech is language-heavy. It feels more like reading a thesaurus than a poem

Message > Description. Try making the reader wonder what is happening instead of explaining it

Don't use quotes. Tell us what they said but don't directly quote them

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