I'm lost. RIP Rhys

[Cedarium]

;_;

 

Rhys always seemed like a nice person back before I started posting, when I read the forums.

[Punishment_Fatal]

Regret

A writing block by Punishment_Fatal

 

Regret. Regret is one of the harsh words you never want to hear. Regret is the feeling of feeling bad for something that you did or did not do in the past. Regret is something I am dealing with right now. I had seen Rhys poking around the forums every so often. At times, I would see him with threads about his problems and just ignore them because I thought they were just normal teen problems. Then today, I learned of what happened to Rhys. As I am writing this, I am trying to hold back any emotion that may appear in this, so sorry if there is any. One day, I saw Rhys' thread titled "I'm Lost". I was reading through the Steam browser when I saw it, and I was in the middle of a Dota 2 game so I left the page. I left... the page. Now, the title of this block is apparent in me. Regret. Regret that maybe I could've spent some time reading it. Regret thinking that after reading it, I could've helped him. Regret, hearing that a person you once knew had left the Earth but I did nothing to stop it. Regret that maybe instead of being lazy, I could've been that one person who helped him out, to be his friend that would guide him, to be... a helper. Regret, a word that'll knock around in my head for a long time. Regret, something that could've been stopped. Regret, a reality that can't be escaped and can never be undone. Regret....everything. Rhys, even though I barely knew you, I miss you as one of my own.

[Lgwarriors]

Wow. Holy shit. We go through our daily life and for some of us games are an escape. I have lost Two friends to suicude, and I just wished I could have said something on this thread earlier, in the unlikely chance it would change anything. Im just really rattled right now that somebody we all really care for here could just be gone like that. Rhys was a big help to me when I started Team Fortress 2 trading. RIP Rhys, you will be missed.

[F CHARLIE]

My God, I am so very sorry I did not notice this thread before he passed.  I am making the assumption that his passing was in part influenced by this situation, please correct me if it was not.

 

 

Just a brief note of intro, before I do jump into this. This is something that is very very personal to me, and I expect serious replies. No tl;dr comments, no loljks, none of that. If you feel like it's relevant, by all means post it, or even jokes, but nothing that's intended to be hurtful or off-topic.

 

Warning: Lots of teen angst ahead. Deal with it. It's shit that's important to me, and I value communication a hell of a lot higher than I value 'just working it out' or 'you'll get over it'.

             -This was the first sign of need.  When someone wants you to look into their soul like this they need you to help them fix something.

 

The context behind this is that I have a friend (female) who I've been in touch with for a long time. A very long time. We have similar backgrounds, similar mental problems (abusive parents, she had depression in the past and has a bi-polar father, while I have the wonderful thing called hearing voices in my head and depression. Neither of us have been to a doctor or psychologist, but these are self-diagnoses based upon the 1 and a half year Psych course we have each taken). I recently decided (in a session of asking questions, where there is no limits to the questions and you answer them truthfully, and each ask an equal number of questions. We did it to pass time or create a conversation, such as what are you political beliefs, or why do you feel this way about X) to ask the question of if she'll go to prom with me: Something that I don't really know why I did, and a very bold move. I'm pretty anti-social, and have only really had one girlfriend that I actually cared for, which as you guys know (if you bother keeping up with my life's drama via my not-very-cryptic statuses), did not end well. So it's kind of a big deal for me, and a big deal for her too: She's always been opposed to dating in general and in favor of postponing any sort of issues that arose there.

 

The way I asked her to prom was as the '5th question' in an asking session, where she agreed not to read the question (that I e-mailed to her) until the 14th of February (4 months to the day from then, it was 1am at that time). She then read it immediately after asking me what it was, me refusing to answer, and then her saying that she's going to read it now.

 

This was on Sunday that I asked her out, and I've been very very very distracted and tense since then. I have not slept(~1 hour per day, and involuntary), I'm not really paying attention in classes, I'm falling behind on my HW, and my own mental problems are intensifying due to the lack of sleep. According to her, she's been having similar issues with just plain being nervous. She recently sent an e-mail, which I've copy-pasta'd below, removing any identifying information:

      -Here is another important note.  Lack of sleep would impair his judgement and make him incredibly myopic. 

 

"I feel guilty. For asking that question on Sunday that triggered all of this, for being that person for you when I barely had the capacity to deal with my own problems. I don't regret being there as a friend for you but if I had known things were going to turn out this? As cool as it is? I would've taken a step back and would've dealt with it very differently.

As weird and as confusing as this is for me, I'm pretty sure it's way worse for you. I'm sorry I did this, I'm sorry I overstepped the boundaries. But here I am letting my guard down, and saying let's stop this, whatever "this" is, I think we should stop it at least till we near graduation, at least until we don't have to pay attention to the other things that could harm whatever our goals are.
 

The biggest question: How are you going to catch me when I fall if you are barely able to stand up on your own? Answer: You can't and I won't let you. I need to fall down on my own and get up on my own. YOU need to fall and get up on your own as well, because that's what I believe life is.
      -This probably hurt him a lot and she should not have said it.  She is also wrong.  We all depend on many people in the course of our lives and this does not make anyone less of a person to need others.  This is why humans live in large societies.   He likely felt that in her he found someone that understood him and could help deal with certain parts of himself that he could not.  In reality she did not and would not have that capacity.  Just because someone shares something in common with you, like this, doesn't mean anything at all.  They may have the ability to empathize with you but they will likely not have the ability to help you resolve it.

For my sake and your own, I'm taking a break...because we both need to pay attention to what is now, not what is the future.
       -This was unfair for her to do.  She was afraid of how he felt but she was also partly responsible for it and she didn't understand that nor did she have the capacity to deal with it so she shut it down.  That was probably not so easy for him to do at his age.
My grammatical errors just show how much I thought about this so forgive them?
 

Here's what taking a break entail, all 8 parts of your brain are focused on what you should be paying attention to, you getting enough sleep (more than an hr), you not being my alarm clock, and stepping back. NO SURPRISES, NO AWKWARD MOMENTS, NO VULNERABILITY EITHER because none of us can deal with that stress.
      -This was also painful because it did not give him resolution.  He was invested in her and she allowed it because, well, we all need that.  When she realized that she did not have the capacity to deal with it she did the practical, prudent, thing to do.  She put a stop to all of it which is not really possible and is only painful.  She asked the impossible of him.  She should have allowed for awkwardness and reassured him that it was ok.  She was right to not allow the "relationship" to go further but to not allow him something that would be comforting but I guess you can't expect that either.  That takes a lot of maturity to navigate properly.

Sorry, and Thank You...
   

See you around,

[REDACTED]
 

P.S. I will still give my reply on February 14th, 2014...after we fill out college apps, after those big projects are due, after the biggest semester in our school years is over.

P.P.S. I am fine (NOTHING is going to happen to me), now it's your turn to be."

 

I'm just... very confused and to be honest, a little hurt. I feel on one hand that it makes sense that she needs time, but on the other hand, I just don't know how to deal with it, and I feel like she's pushing me away. I already had a lot of shit on my plate, enough for a damn buffet, but now, it just seems like it's piling up more and more.

      - For him, this "relationship" had the same level of priority in his life as anything else.  He couldn't put it away like she could.  It wasn't in his personalty to be able to do so.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts or ideas on how to deal with this? And as a preemptive measure, no there isn't exactly a mental health specialist I can approach, mostly due to work schedule and also due to trust issues (my parents wouldn't let me, and there is a very large social stigma if I approach the school counselor).

      -For goodness sake, see someone.  Talk to someone.  High-school is a very tiny part of our lives.  For some, its a great time, for others it is horrible and difficult.  I am so astonished that academia does not realize how difficult high-school is for some personality types(to understand what I mean:

 

 

 

Many of you may be dealing with similar issues.  As always, talk to someone about it.  Someone impartial and who has the capacity to intervene and help you take the right steps.  I will say be patient in life.  Especially at that age.  There is so much you will come to see and know.  Have patience.  Let it all sink in and take time to understand whats happening to you.  Life does not always meet our expectations of it.  Mostly not.  Don't let it blind you.  Take your time.  It will all make sense.

 

This is incredibly sad to me.  It somehow feels personal even tho I didn't know him at all.  That is the nature of a community, regardless of its construct.  Condolences to his family and anyone who knew him.

[Pyroman]

Dear people on the forums, and anyone related to Rhys13th,

 

Today, we're gathered here to mourn the passing of someone who was probably one of the most shy yet valuable to many people in our community, Rhys13th. Who, as we know, decided to abruptly put an end to his life due to the several problems that he has come across recently in life, and left us all who loved and were close to him.

 

Probably many of us don't know exactly who was Rhys. I'm not really sure either, but he was a very respectable member who always made useful contributions to our community. I personally am regretful for having never listened to any of inquiries, as I thought he was just passing through some normal problems any teenager has. I now realise that his problem actually wasn't insignificant and went much further. I feel bad for not having given him the support I should have.

 

Without much further ado, I'd just like to say that I, and probably all of us, will keep his memory living on forever, as hard as it may be.

 

Thank you all, and hopefully, shall Rhys rest in peace out of this Earth.

 

Special thanks to Hatch for helping me out writing part of this eulogy.

 

...

[Punishment_Fatal]

The little bunny we once knew as our own has moved somewhere out on the boundless sea in the afterlife. With mixed emotions, I say farewell to thee, my dear friend.

[MC22]

I used to have such long and winding discussions with rhys.

He was the guy to talk real life matters with, and someone who would never spill the things we discussed to anyone else. As I have relied some of you for trading advice, he gave me insight to many things away from trading.

 

I once crashed his computer by posting too many emoticons. He called this the "first offense".

He proceeded to unadd me. I inquired as to what my third offense was, he refused. Now I'll never know.

[Lgwarriors]

I wish there was something we could do...

[Chimera]

Rest in peace Rhys. You were a dreamer, you had potential. I wish you could have stuck around to see for yourself...

[KoDoRiN]

Life is a privilege. To feel, to experience emotions, to learn lessons and to accomplish great things. Life also isn't fair in many ways such as failures, jealousy, discrimination, frustrations, and worst of all, depression. Depression can lead to serious dark thoughts such as suicide thinking of it as their only solutions. It isn't. People want to suicide not because they welcome death, they want the pain to stop. If you are feeling the urge of suicide thoughts, immediately get help. You can't do it alone. You don't even need professional help to get through your suicide thoughts, your friends can help too. Really anyone that you're acquainted with or someone with common decency can help you. One of the many ways to help go through suicide is just do an outside sport/exercise. You release endorphins, which helps you deal with stress aka eu-stress, by exercising which can help deal with suicide thoughts a lot easier. If you know a friend that is considering suicide, act now before it's too late, take it very seriously. NEVER take it as a joke. Just communicate them openly and frequently. DO NOT keep it a secret, it is a serious thing between life and death. Many of you still have a long road ahead of your life. Think about the psychological impact you would cause if you died. Your friends, your parents, your loved ones, everyone that had respect and/or cared about you, grieving. Don't ever think of committing suicide, it's never the best solution. Although I myself have taken the "easy" route of life, I know many that hasn't. The one thing missing here is a first-hand view of suicidal thoughts, and I never had that. Nobody here is forcing you to tell your stories, but you are more than welcome to. Take good care of your life, may the force be with you.

[Punishment_Fatal]

This would be better in General Discussion instead of the Great Below.

[Vince]

Im gonna be the first to start. Not because I need help, but to encourage other to share their stories to get help.

 

Around 3 years ago or so, my family and I picked and moved across the country from the town I was born, raised and lived in for my life. I lost all of my friends, everyone that really knew me. When I came into my new school (Im currently a High Schooler) it was hard. Loosing everyone that knew me really put me back and I entered a stage of depression where every day was just a drag. To make matters worse, bullies also started to come into the picture. It wasnt physical, but mental which i believe is harder to coupe with the physical because no one knows. I never told anyone about it for around a year, I kinda like was hiding in a shell until I finally blew. The thought of death kept coming to me night after night. I just couldnt take it anymore. Though i never did do anything, it was still very scary. I finally talked to people that I knew closely and they provided encouragement, a quick trip to the school administrators solved most of the bulling issues. I finally was on a better path. Though I still had my hard times when I felt like I was going backwards, I finally found the right people. I started to come out of my shell more and more and I made some very good friends. Now in present day, Im happy as I could ever be. Over the last 3 years has really changed me, but I made the decision to get better and not to end my life, which I am grateful every single day. Get help, tell someone, do something, its better than taking your life. 

#remember rhys

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUGI9RyXrNQ

[MC22]

woofi needs to multimerge all rhys post into one giant rhys compendum (correct word)? And maybe his family could read it

[Vegan T-Rex]

To anybody who is thinking suicidal thoughts/ in depression.

It will get better. I know that some folks keep on saying that, and it doesn't seem like it is getting better. But trust me- this bad period will pass, and it will pass within your lifetime. Do whatever it is that makes you feel happy (apart from self-harm, both physically and mentally)- And if anybody judges you on what makes you happy, don't care. 

And remember, we will always be there for you. We will always care about you. There are people, who care about you. 

[Chimera]

Because I'm really feeling like I should to give people an example, I will share.

 

Please read the moral at the bottom, if you have it similar to me, or have ever felt like you can relate.

 

I really had it easy until around 8th grade. Something made my dad really upset, and he would just be upset. Around summer of me going into freshmen year, a really close family friend of mine decided to commit suicide, which left my father devastated. We ended up having to take in his daughter for a month because her mother was into drugs at the time being, but she did finally get to go home. This was just the start. My parents started fighting constantly, and both my parents would talk about how much they hated their lives. My little brother started getting depressed, and tried to commit suicide twice (he was 9 at the time). He had to go to psychology, and with him being depressed, and my older brother being autistic, I was left alone all my life from there on out. To this day, I'm alone. The suicidal thoughts just rolled in, day after day, night after night, I thought how much better everyone's life would be without me. Around December of last year/January of this year, things were looking better until my uncle had a lethal cardiac arrest and a severe brain injury (he didn't have amnesia, but he was disabled). He ended up moving in with us, along with his family of three, which stressed out both my parents. They would bicker, constantly threaten divorce, and sometimes they would blame the entire situation on me, which made me feel even worse. How much better would life be without me... More recently, my dad revealed something I'd never want to hear, and a choice we'd never want to make: his body can't filter carbohydrates properly anymore, and with the amount of stress he's under, he's likely to have a cardiac arrest as well. When I asked him what made him the most stress, he told me it was my mother. He doesn't love her, he hates his life, and he isn't going to die over her. Our choice is either my father gets a divorce, or he runs the risk of dying from heart problems. That's the major stuff.

 

I've never gotten help, I can't bring myself to what can really happen. I can't admit what's wrong with me. I don't mind sharing my life, but I can't tell how I really feel. It's all a secret to everyone else in the world. I just feel like I'm alone...

 

TL;DR: Suicide, constant fighting, cardiac arrest, parents divorcing (most likely), me thinking life would be better without me, I'm all alone in life.

 

Moral: Get help immediately if you feel suicidal. Don't be like me and too afraid to admit it.

 

Rest in peace Rhys, I wish I could have helped you sooner...

[w0lk]

Rest in peace Rhys, you were an awesome guy, it's sad that you left this world

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SbUC-UaAxE

[Vegan T-Rex]

Rest in peace Rhys. 

I remember Rhys once offered to teach me how to draw lips. I wish I had taken that chance. 

We'll all miss you. A lot. 

[Teeird]

It's terrible indeed that Rhys died, but you're only hurting yourself by thinking you could have changed the outcome. He made a choice and I'm sure all the pain and suffering he's endured has lifted. It's really hard to think this way, but we should be happy for him -- he's no longer eating a shit sandwich day after day.

 

Rhys died, and I'm 99% sure he wouldn't want anyone to feel regret for not changing anything, he didn't consult anyone or ask for help (afaik), so his action was determined. It's much healthier to put positive thoughts towards this, whether what you believe where he is after he's died, never feel regret, that will eat at you.

 

---

 

It's unfortunate I didn't get to know him very well. He seemed like a talented kid to be sure. His writing skills were impeccable -- He was a TF2Confidential Writer.

[Blatch]

I have my fair share of problems in life (and for a guy with autism spectrum disorder, I have had a lot of ups and downs), but I have it very well compared to what life could be like. I largely live as an introvert, and that's because I've been taught that you shouldn't trust anybody, as cheesy as that may be. Of course, I've always had those moments where I'd say that I'd kill myself, though I definitely wasn't truly meaning it. What I never expected, however, was for some place to have as huge of an impact as this. I have hardly ever been touched by premature death in my life, the closest thing to that was when another member of my freshman class (who I never knew) died last year from playing with a gun (I guess... the actual story was a little vague), and that only took me a day or two. If there's one thing I've learned from this: don't say you're going to kill yourself thinking that people are going to take it all that well. They never take it all that well. Yeah, I'm not perfect: I'm fat, lazy, and have nothing better to do than play TF2 and watch anime all my life, but I have good grades, a positive work ethic, and I feel like there's a place in this world for me as much as everyone else.

 

Really, I prefer to stay away from sensitive topics like this. I'm probably not going to talk about this in school, because I don't think it will bring enough to the table, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to mourn. R.I.P. Rhys, I guess if you need a hashtag for it you could use #RhysStrong, not like that isn't used enough already.

[Karam]

Wow guys, I never thought people at teenage level would have those major issues, I never had THAT huge major issue, but anyway, i will share a bit of my life and feels.

 

So, from the day i joined secondary school, i have 0 idea of what i was getting myself into, I used to be from these "badass" guys in the class and do nothing useful in my life, i used to study hard those days anyway, couple of months later, my brain matured, my friend talked to me and I realized what I was doing, I changed myself drastically for the better. I grew up in an awesome family, all my siblings are older than me and all of them were successful and school/university and were happy in their lives. Then Karam started to live alone with his parents as all my siblings left to study/get married. I really didn't pay attention to my studies when i reached highschool, school started to be real hard and severe pain in the ass, to the point right now that I have 0 confidence of me achieving really anything at school. I did alot of things in my life, charity work, good repetition in real and virtual lives, a religion sub-teacher, people talk to me to seek help. Looking at myself now, I am really good at life, but I really suck at school, everything that i take in school is really un-related to how life is supposed to be lived and how to be what i want to be, all i am taking is things that i will barely use in my day-to-day life and i only memorize stuff to get a good degree then go to a good university to get a job and work for someday to make a couple of pennies to feed myself and my family. School and studying are really not on my daily to-do list (except going to school) and i have 0 motives to study what so ever, my parents keep lecturing me about how good my siblings were and how bad i am at school. I think it is just that i am just, not caring about school anymore.

 

*Words*

 

Anyway, my words is not to quite on anything really, do whatever you want and you will be judged by yourself, don't let others judge you, sure, take some information and share experiences, but always be whoever you are/want to be. Believe in yourself! And don't let anyone destroy you whatsoever.

 

R.i.p rhys13th

[Patryk ܮ]

http://www.tf2outpost.com/trade/14265808 [*]

[Professional Map Painter]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zlkNvEeUok

[Woifi The Viking]

Merged 3 or 4 rhys threads together. This could be a bit cluttered now.

[Christley </3 Peelz]

this is making me very sad. i feel like i could've atleast tried to help if i actually saw the thread in time.

i didnt know this man. but its really making me really sad irl. mostly since he was so desperate that he asked for help on a tf2 forum.

i really dont have any good words for this. but i feel truely sad, and i wish we all could have helped him in time...

[There]

this is making me very sad. i feel like i could've atleast tried to help if i actually saw the thread in time.

i didnt know this man. but its really making me really sad irl. mostly since he was so desperate that he asked for help on a tf2 forum.

i really dont have any good words for this. but i feel truely sad, and i wish we all could have helped him in time...

 

Read Teeird's post. We probably couldn't have done anything, even if we tried.