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How's my revised valedictorian speech?


Mike Hawk

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Took some suggestions, changed a few things up. 

And ambition literally means the desire/ drive to reach a goal, so hardwork is kind of implied. 

Also it's supposed to be a minute - a minute 30, so it might be short.  

Also it's supposed to be themed around quotes, so that's why its a little cheesy with them.

 

       Ambition is a word that is sometimes used with negative characteristics such as an excuse for recklessness or greed. But without ambition, the world wouldn’t be the same as we know it. If Bill Gates didn’t have the drive to create different softwares and enhance how we use computers, this speech would probably be handwritten. If the wright brothers didn’t have ambition, those of you who flew down here to see your relative’s graduation might have had to drive. And with that said, ambition seems to be quite the positive characteristic.

 

       In the film “Big Fish†The protagonist Edward Bloom sees an encyclopedia saying “Kept in a small bowl, the goldfish will remain small. With more space, the goldfish will grow double,  triple, or quadruple its size. “ Edward Bloom elaborates on this by saying “ It occurred to me then that perhaps the reason for my growth was that I was intended for larger things. After all, a giant man can’t have an ordinary-sized life.†We can all relate to Edward Bloom in a way. We should always try to place ourselves in bigger and more challenging environments, figuratively speaking.

 

       In conclusion, I encourage everyone here to have ambition, invest in it, and exploit all the positive characteristics about it. Popular hip hop artist Rick Ross says “Ambition is priceless, it’s something that's in your veins (huh) And I pray that never change.†Never forget the importance of your hard work. Oh, and shoutout to all the pear.

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"in conclusion..." is too bland and overused, Use "to put this into context to end..." to make yourself more classy :^)

 

My teacher gave me higher marks on my essays because of this :^)

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As long as you put effort into it the only thing that really matters is the last quote you leave the audience with. That's the only thing I remember from the speech at my graduation. "Don't be sad that it's over, be glad that it happened." Not original but true to the core.

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Never say "In conclusion" ever. Even in papers. It's just a boring way to end it and you should never have to announce the end to your writings or speeches. Otherwise it looks pretty okay. Go read it back to yourself, and if it sounds awkward at any point just fix it up. I took a speech class last semester and you'd be surprised how often you write something that sounds weird outloud.

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"in conclusion..." is too bland and overused, Use "to put this into context to end..." to make yourself more classy :^)

 

My teacher gave me higher marks on my essays because of this :^)

If 'in conclusion' doesn't work, using a more complicated and wordy version won't work either, especially for an orally delivered speech. 

 

I would go with something along the lines "As parting words" or a phrase with similar meaning. Always reduce in writing, never expand unless you need to.

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I was Salutatorian in Middleschool, granted, that was a while ago.. but I'll try to find a copy of my speech. Are you in Highschool or Middleschool?

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The most powerful speeches to me are the ones that include a personal touch. I don't want to be told a life lesson. I want to be SHOWN one. 

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