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ProfessorRiches

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Not sure where to put this, if I did it wrong please tell me and I'll repost correctly and delete this thread.

 

I'm terrible at writing.

If anyone could give me some pointers on something I'd love that.

(It's a short Story)

 

 

Richard checked his back pocket of his Levi Jeans. He had only $15 left- he thought he'd be good for three days.

He handed in the newspapers quickly, in fear that Pete would sense something was wrong.

Richard got on the broken down public bus, no energy for the fifty cents, or the risk that something else may happen. As the bus rolled along the street decorated with potholes and junk, he watched as the projects went by, wondering how long it would take to get out. He took the stop at Main Street, and got some food from a convenience store, the clerks eyes burning into his body the whole time.

Richard knew that none of his siblings or his mom were home, yet he walked down the block anyway. He noticed everything, graffiti, broken down cars, virtually no grass in the area until you got to the school further down the block. The school in itself was a small one-story building. There were the younger kids, in t-shirts and shorts messing around outside, the older ones in jeans closer to the buildings in the shade and on the side. He also noticed a blue Toyota, broken down but not quite, looking like it belonged with the rest of the cars but it didn't. There were somewhat random dents along the trunk, scratches made, but it was as if the owner had tried to beat it down to make it seem like it fit with the other cars. But the wheels were clean, windows nicely polished. He noticed all these things, this car parked right outside his house, and realized that he had never seen this Toyota before. Dozens of others, sure, but not quite like this one. Suddenly all four doors flew open. Richard ran, as fast as a bullet, running as the doors slammed shut, as he heard four or five men running after him, as he saw the older kids ducking behind the shadows of buildings. He ran down the street, not really knowing exactly what he ran from, just knowing that whatever was back there would ruin everything.

For once in his life he wasn't fast enough and couldn't get away.

He got moved to another house, of course without his siblings and wondered when he would run away again.

Keith and Kelly Donerson lived on the far other side of town. He was staying with them.

"How did you used to get money?" Keith asked once he saw $30 that Richard had stored up in his bag.

"Sold some papers for Pete, local newspaper" Richard replied.

Pete looked momentarily surprised.

"You've got a sturdy build," Pete said. "You run fast?"

Richard thought he was teasing him. "Yes".

"Well give us at least this year before you go off running, eh? Maybe we can work something out, you can always run away in 2006, give Manuel Dominguez High School the chance"

"Alright."

Richard and Keith walked into Pete's office the first day. They filled out all of the papers so he was ready to get in pads the next week. He was grateful for the opportunity, sure, but he knew Keith wouldn't be able to keep him for long, and even if he did, wouldn't want to once he found out more about his background. Still, he was determined to become the best. He scanned Pete's office for a moment and his eyes landed on a "who are you" sign.

On their way back, an injured dog was in the street, looking pitiful and dirty- like a stray that got hit by a car and ignored. They got out and took him to their house, got some dog food and settled him in. His smelled like sewers, looked dirty, and had a half broken leg and patched blood on his fur.

As the first few months went by, Richard felt like his life had finally been sorted out. He was doing good, and even allowed himself to think that Keith would actually keep him. By March 30, the dog got a lot better. Richard was also excelling in school and in football, rocking a 4.2 weighted average and by his senior year, ranked 42nd football player in the nation.

Richard strolled through his old neighborhood, on the other side of town. Of course, he was wary, but most people here knew him. The streets were still cluttered and patches of grass tainted. However Richard felt great, almost as in a dream. Until five ear-bleeding shots rang out. Instinctively, he dove behind a car. What he saw chilled him- a reminder of his past. An older kid standing over a still, smaller kid. He looked up and noticed an old man staring at him through a window of one of the side houses. He seemed to be reminding him that life was not perfect and in a different sense, not listening to older people would land him in trouble.

A month later, Richard was packing up for the 6 hour drive north to Stanford University. He was a recruit- on a full ride scholarship, academically and athletically capable. He dreamed of the moments he had created in high school- burning corners and getting past safeties. He dreamed of what he would be able to do in Stanford. On the ride, he opened up a magazine, and flipped to a football column. It started off with an inspirational page designed, he knew, to inspire you to make a name for yourself. So, the quote asked, "Who are you?" Richard stepped out of the car- on that day he was Richard Sherman, Wide Receiver, Stanford.

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I always hated the needed structure behind creative writing. But here goes:

 

  1. Show, don't tell - Within a story, short or long, you generally want to set the scenery or the circumstances. This can be easily done by describing things, rather than attempting to say everything at once.
  2. Use specific words to portray a feeling or specific meaning - E.g "Richard checked his back pocket of his Levi Jeans." -> "Richard dug through the back pocket of his scruffy Levi Jeans"
  3. Limit yourself to saying a character's name less than 3 times within a paragraph - This will make you change your sentences a bit more, referring people as him, her, them or whatever pronouns.
  4. Vary sentence starters - Try to use a variety of sentence starters such as starting with an -ing word or start with a short description.
  5. Make a plan of your settings / moments within the short story - Try to structure your short story into a maximum of 1 main moment and nothing more. Short stories are meant to be short as they showcase a specific moment, not a life story.
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If you are doing GCSE's (UK) then this is within English Langauge and you would find asking on the Reddit sub very helpful.

https://www.reddit.com/r/GCSE/

 

English isn't my strong point (hit a B for language and A on lit) so others will have more structured advice other than me being' just be passionate'.

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Posted · Hidden by Teeny Tiny Cat, December 21, 2016 - No reason given
Hidden by Teeny Tiny Cat, December 21, 2016 - No reason given

wtf is this shit? are you selling your essay ?

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he watched as the projects went by, wondering how long it would take to get out.

This seems a bit too on the nose. Seeing as this your character's motivation, it may help to contrast his current situation with something else. Maybe you could mention that some wealthy high rises are visible sometime along his bus ride. This may prove useful in revealing how your character views the wealthy and affluent; with resentment? jealousy? Remember that the way you describe things sheds light on a character's attitude toward it far better than just saying how that character feels.

 

Also, I think I am having trouble reading the situation with the blue toyota, don't get me wrong, you do a good job describing the inconsistencies in its appearance, I just don't know what that is supposed to imply. This is a problem of my ignorance. To make sure your story is strong regardless, be sure to really sell the tension of the moment just before the men jump out.

 

Lastly, you did well using the phrase "a reminder of his past" but you go and repeat it later on in a way that is, again, too on the nose.

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Posted · Hidden by Teeny Tiny Cat, December 21, 2016 - No reason given
Hidden by Teeny Tiny Cat, December 21, 2016 - No reason given

wtf is this shit? are you selling your essay ?

If you bothered to read his post, youd very clearly know hes asking for tips:

 

Not sure where to put this, if I did it wrong please tell me and I'll repost correctly 

I'm terrible at writing.

If anyone could give me some pointers on something I'd love that.

(It's a short Story)

Link to comment

I always hated the needed structure behind creative writing. But here goes:

 

 

  • Show, don't tell - Within a story, short or long, you generally want to set the scenery or the circumstances. This can be easily done by describing things, rather than attempting to say everything at once.
  • Use specific words to portray a feeling or specific meaning - E.g "Richard checked his back pocket of his Levi Jeans." -> "Richard dug through the back pocket of his scruffy Levi Jeans"
  • Limit yourself to saying a character's name less than 3 times within a paragraph - This will make you change your sentences a bit more, referring people as him, her, them or whatever pronouns.
  • Vary sentence starters - Try to use a variety of sentence starters such as starting with an -ing word or start with a short description.
  • Make a plan of your settings / moments within the short story - Try to structure your short story into a maximum of 1 main moment and nothing more. Short stories are meant to be short as they showcase a specific moment, not a life story.

Thanks, I'll especially take a look at that last point, how do you think I can do this though?

I'm not sure of how to shorten it or if that's possible.

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This seems a bit too on the nose. Seeing as this your character's motivation, it may help to contrast his current situation with something else. Maybe you could mention that some wealthy high rises are visible sometime along his bus ride. This may prove useful in revealing how your character views the wealthy and affluent; with resentment? jealousy? Remember that the way you describe things sheds light on a character's attitude toward it far better than just saying how that character feels.

Also, I think I am having trouble reading the situation with the blue toyota, don't get me wrong, you do a good job describing the inconsistencies in its appearance, I just don't know what that is supposed to imply. This is a problem of my ignorance. To make sure your story is strong regardless, be sure to really sell the tension of the moment just before the men jump out.

Lastly, you did well using the phrase "a reminder of his past" but you go and repeat it later on in a way that is, again, too on the nose.

Thanks!

 

Edit: the Toyota part isn't because of you, I've also had a few friends say they didn't really understand it, I'm still figuring out how to rephrase that part.

 

Edit:

What do you think of this?

"As the bus rolled along the street, the wealthy houses and well-paved streets were replaced by the broken down road and projects. He sighed- today's events certainly set back his financial situation."

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Thanks, I'll especially take a look at that last point, how do you think I can do this though?

I'm not sure of how to shorten it or if that's possible.

Similar to a storyboard plan, you would have a series of things that is going to happen, in chronological order, as basic as possible. You then look at what you want to convey, in this case, a moral and so would cater to it by trying to make the Toyota part more vibrant. What can be done, as to bring the reader into the moral, is that you could have Richard having a flashback to his previous life and remembering that scenario very vividly, mentioning the extra details as a tad extra.

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Not sure where to put this, if I did it wrong please tell me and I'll repost correctly and delete this thread.

 

I'm terrible at writing.

If anyone could give me some pointers on something I'd love that.

(It's a short Story)

 

 

Richard checked his back pocket of his Levi Jeans. He had only $15 left- he thought he'd be good for three days.

He handed in the newspapers quickly, in fear that Pete would sense something was wrong.

Richard got on the broken down public bus, no energy for the fifty cents, or the risk that something else may happen. As the bus rolled along the street decorated with potholes and junk, he watched as the projects went by, wondering how long it would take to get out. He took the stop at Main Street, and got some food from a convenience store, the clerks eyes burning into his body the whole time.

Richard knew that none of his siblings or his mom were home, yet he walked down the block anyway. He noticed everything, graffiti, broken down cars, virtually no grass in the area until you got to the school further down the block. The school in itself was a small one-story building. There were the younger kids, in t-shirts and shorts messing around outside, the older ones in jeans closer to the buildings in the shade and on the side. He also noticed a blue Toyota, broken down but not quite, looking like it belonged with the rest of the cars but it didn't. There were somewhat random dents along the trunk, scratches made, but it was as if the owner had tried to beat it down to make it seem like it fit with the other cars. But the wheels were clean, windows nicely polished. He noticed all these things, this car parked right outside his house, and realized that he had never seen this Toyota before. Dozens of others, sure, but not quite like this one. Suddenly all four doors flew open. Richard ran, as fast as a bullet, running as the doors slammed shut, as he heard four or five men running after him, as he saw the older kids ducking behind the shadows of buildings. He ran down the street, not really knowing exactly what he ran from, just knowing that whatever was back there would ruin everything.

For once in his life he wasn't fast enough and couldn't get away.

He got moved to another house, of course without his siblings and wondered when he would run away again.

Keith and Kelly Donerson lived on the far other side of town. He was staying with them.

"How did you used to get money?" Keith asked once he saw $30 that Richard had stored up in his bag.

"Sold some papers for Pete, local newspaper" Richard replied.

Pete looked momentarily surprised.

"You've got a sturdy build," Pete said. "You run fast?"

Richard thought he was teasing him. "Yes".

"Well give us at least this year before you go off running, eh? Maybe we can work something out, you can always run away in 2006, give Manuel Dominguez High School the chance"

"Alright."

Richard and Keith walked into Pete's office the first day. They filled out all of the papers so he was ready to get in pads the next week. He was grateful for the opportunity, sure, but he knew Keith wouldn't be able to keep him for long, and even if he did, wouldn't want to once he found out more about his background. Still, he was determined to become the best. He scanned Pete's office for a moment and his eyes landed on a "who are you" sign.

On their way back, an injured dog was in the street, looking pitiful and dirty- like a stray that got hit by a car and ignored. They got out and took him to their house, got some dog food and settled him in. His smelled like sewers, looked dirty, and had a half broken leg and patched blood on his fur.

As the first few months went by, Richard felt like his life had finally been sorted out. He was doing good, and even allowed himself to think that Keith would actually keep him. By March 30, the dog got a lot better. Richard was also excelling in school and in football, rocking a 4.2 weighted average and by his senior year, ranked 42nd football player in the nation.

Richard strolled through his old neighborhood, on the other side of town. Of course, he was wary, but most people here knew him. The streets were still cluttered and patches of grass tainted. However Richard felt great, almost as in a dream. Until five ear-bleeding shots rang out. Instinctively, he dove behind a car. What he saw chilled him- a reminder of his past. An older kid standing over a still, smaller kid. He looked up and noticed an old man staring at him through a window of one of the side houses. He seemed to be reminding him that life was not perfect and in a different sense, not listening to older people would land him in trouble.

A month later, Richard was packing up for the 6 hour drive north to Stanford University. He was a recruit- on a full ride scholarship, academically and athletically capable. He dreamed of the moments he had created in high school- burning corners and getting past safeties. He dreamed of what he would be able to do in Stanford. On the ride, he opened up a magazine, and flipped to a football column. It started off with an inspirational page designed, he knew, to inspire you to make a name for yourself. So, the quote asked, "Who are you?" Richard stepped out of the car- on that day he was Richard Sherman, Wide Receiver, Stanford.

 

Just my opinion, story seems awkward, and improper for some reason. Very confusing at some points

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