I thought that I wouldn't have a "plan" for life. I would just work and live alone in life. I contemplated the thought of having a child and thought it might be a good idea. I didn't really think much about it until that point. It started slowly. First, I thought that I'd prefer having a daughter, then I thought of a name, then her full name; then into other things like whether she'd like her name, how much she'd love me, how much she'd hate me, and I could keep going on. I felt those wonders and sorrows that she would give me in my life and I'd not care too much for I'd still love her for being my daughter. Then I realized something. This was not a child that I could maintain, nor even get into my hands. I imagined myself working somewhere low-paying but manageable. At the very worst, I imagined working at McDonalds getting barely the amount of money needed to pay for rent. Adding a child into that mix would mean not being able to support them, letting them dying by my hands, and I couldn't accept that. I'd decided from then I'd work harder, to give my very best and to make the feeling of hopelessness subside.
I'm still a young lad. I'm too young to be even thinking this far into the future. I used that excuse for every emotion that I felt. "No. I'm not sad. I'm just an edgy teenager that believes they're sad. My feelings are not real. You should not have feelings like this." I'd keep saying this to just stop feeling any emotion I didn't want to feel. Of course, it never worked but I felt better trying. I face now the question of "Should I keep pursuing this goal or deal with it later?" "Your love for the daughter you plan to have is not real. You are just an edgy teenager that has 'feelings'." My problem with these thoughts is that I do love her. I know I love her. I tell myself that I do every day. Yet I still think my feelings are not real, that they are created by my mind because I'm a "stupid and an edgy teenager", that I feel that I shouldn't be working harder because I don't love her.
I hate to sound so redundant, but I do love her.
I'm sorry that the writing is so sloppy. I just wanted a place to let it off my chest as fast as possible, and this place seemed best to do that.
TL;DR: Having a daughter sounds great, but can I support her? Are my feelings even real?
DRTTL;DRBIWTL: Daughter, support? Feelings, real?
OMGTDRTTL;DRBIWTLITL!PSIFM: Teenage drama