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Pensiveness

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Catharsis

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Remember me?

Yo, shoutouts to anyone that remembers me all these years ago LOL.    It's been awhile, or rather sup to those that have heard of me for the first time. I hope BP.TF has been flourishing well and that the newer generations have been outclassing the old guards like me. I just felt like posting random things that I have been reminiscing about.    I'm not sure if the demographics really changed much in this website, but I remember back when I around, fairly good amount of people were in their high school years or below 18.  I and probably many others that were top contributors had so much free times in our hands that we would spend absurd amounts of time on arguing over prices of a few pixels. Idk if I reflected my maturity during my years of activity, but I definitely was still in high school at my prime. I remember wanting to be a mod so badly, but I couldn't for awhile because I wasn't old enough. In fact even when I retired, I actually still wasn't old enough to be a mod. Now I am, but damn there were some things...that I quite don't know what to express.   First off, maturity. I was told that I was pretty mature for how I expressed things, but upon further evaluation, I definitely had holes. While I addressed many things in a professional and a matter-of-fact way, I definitely got provoked easily. If I felt like I got attacked or got emotional, then I wouldn't hesitate venting or saying some things that I regret. Restraint is definitely a skill that potentially gets easier as you age, and that has definitely applied to me. I cringe at some things I said as a result of certain things, but at the end of the day I do appreciate all the warnings cleverpun has given me as a learning lesson. Is cleverpun still around? Clever was such a good mod in retrospect heh.   Another thing was that overall, I was a quantity over quality guy in making suggestions. Ok sure, I actually put some effort for my quantity unlike some people (d0 and Pyroman comes to mind, are those guys still around and pop some names? Or am I old?), but at the end of day, they were just quantity suggestions that quite frankly didn't require much extensive effort. Sure I was the first suggestor to achieve black belt status when they decided to implement that, but at the end of the day looking back at my achievements, all those hundreds of hollow suggestions are next to meaningless to me. While I did hold the #1 Top Contributors part for a little while, it's not really that great of a feeling when majority of those votes came from blind votes and superfluous suggestions. The suggestions that really do mean a lot to me though are the ones where I put in hours into crafting and thought into. The ones that come immediately to mind was when I suggested to change the Loose Cannon to a scrap price range when I was merely an orange belt, which was an incredibly ballsy and an unheard proposal to do when it was universally accepted that all weapons are only worth .05. https://backpack.tf/suggestion/52153a974bd7b8171200000b   Suggestions like these resonate with me the most. I went against the conventional wisdom and trends because I wanted to do what I felt was right. It encouraged me to think outside the box and make sure my argument wasn't bullshit or else people would rip me apart. And when my extremely hard work got accepted, I really felt like I accomplished something. Suggestions I did like these, doing key suggestions when shit was really vitriolic and dealing with hate (damn keys are worth 27 ref+? Are they gonna be 50 ref when I come back a year later?), and doing suggestions on all unusual variants of the Fez are my proudest accomplishments. They made me learn things and actually contributed to the site the most even though the contribution points or whatever don't really properly reflect that. I don't remember my suggestion trains like when the latest halloween items were dropping in value or when they required little thought, but suggestions that required hard work and critical thinking are something I recommend every prospective suggestor to do more often. To me at least, they're the most fulfilling.   I guess the biggest thing I would like to highlight though is towards the end of my prime years. I'll just say it out there right here in the open since I honestly have little issues expressing this: I was dealing with pretty bad depression at the time. I will not go into details as to how it occurred, but if you just looked at how I phrased things towards the end of 2014 and some of my blogs, it's pretty obvious that I was just really sad and tired. With things that were going on IRL that transpired through my contributions, I complained and was pessimistic more often than not. I attributed part of my depression to little enjoyment towards suggesting so I announced my retirement. That clearly didn't actually help, and if anything it made my depression worse as the years went on. I went on to have suicidal thoughts and being afraid of my future. I was extremely vulnerable and self-deprecating. I was pathetic, which I thought of myself all the time before. Soon though, I ended up getting some help, and I was doing things that slowly but surely got me out of depression. I started addressing the root of my problems. I started meditating to get me to think clearly. I started to eat better and exercise once in awhile. I started smiling more. After a year of getting out of my hole, I was pretty much out of the woods, and I'm so grateful to be out of that state of mind. To all of you currently struggling, try to find someone that will support you. Try to find motivation in one thing that you find dear to you and cling onto it as your reason to keep going. If you don't have that one motivation, make something your one motivation. Set goals. Meditate to have a clearer state of mind. Address the root of your problem and resolve it. Things WILL get better if you address it in due time as it did for me. Perhaps y'all should go outside for a little while and get some Vitamin D, since I know you probably spend a little too much time on the computer than we should. Depression isn't a simple topic and everyone has their own problems, so I'll leave it as that, but I will say to those that are struggling: why not start now to get better?   Welp, I guess that's the most I have in my mind right now. If you're wondering why I don't return to the main site or really hang around here that often, it's because my interest has long past TF2, suggesting, and trading. The fire in me is long, long gone, and TF2 is incredibly stale to me. I tried coming back when my depression has significantly subsided, but my heart really wasn't in it. Nah, most of my current interests are stuff I'm doing in college and Melee, so coming back here in my prime days is pretty much out of the question. It's a bit sad that I'll never be able to come back to my peak, but the memories of my experience is still there, and I'll probably check back here every once in awhile to see what's new and old. Feel free to comment and asking me whatever and I might come back in an appropriate timely matter to answer, but yeah that's what's up to me.

KoDoRiN

KoDoRiN

 

Off-Tangent things

Hooray for insomnia, I have a horrible tendency to develop one during break, and I seriously don't feel like doing break work atm.   But wow, as of posting for this, I have been offline from Steam for 79 days. I mean wow. During that timeframe, I have largely not given a consideration or thought about Steam and its community that i've been part of for years. It's mind-boggling. It's funny and also sad how some things that was once a big part of your life can degrade to insignificance. I remember frantically checking my trades in Outpost, voting for items during my downtimes on backpack.tf, and patiently waiting for hours on trade.tf. Yet here I am, offline with no considerations of Steam and my memories associated with.   How have I been doing? I can largely make a broad summary by saying that I've been busy. My goals that I've been working out is set on a course that I can't really turn back at this point. I'm still at the age where I have to make crucial decisions what to do in life like jobs and etc, and to be perfectly honest, I really don't truly know. I have an idea, but not really. But while I'm still searching for that answer, I decided that the best way to deal with that is to give myself the most options. That was why I partly decided to previously quit Steam as not only was my passion burning out, it pretty much consumed a lot of my time and if I were to stick with it, my options would be significantly less. Perhaps I will return to the level of my prime? Maybe. But I rather try out my options before I may regret with a singular option instead.   Sometimes, I wish I can relive the past and simply freeze it. Actually, a lot of times I wish I can freeze time. I do have a lot of regrets, loneliness, and pains in life that I largely keep personal, so I cherish the good parts of my life. My time here at backpack.tf and Steam community was one of those good parts during my prime. What some may see as mundane and repetitive, it was my passion. During some of my rough patches as time went on after I made my conscious decision to leave, I often wonder: what if I didn't request a ban? Would I regain my passion? Would I be happier? Would I have a sense of purpose? Could I possibly balance the workload that I've targeted myself with? There can arguably be many answers here, and all of them would probably be correct in some ways. But what stands here is that I miss that chapter in my life, and I wish that I can go back and relive those moments without worry of other arbitrary external things. I miss it. In fact I missed it so much that I've tried to come back multiple times, but failed. I just can't come back. It doesn't feel right. When I try to set up a suggestion to eventually request an unban, it feels like a chore. When I try to cash out, I feel the boredom and stress creeping through my skin. When I look at the suggestion votes, I honestly don't care. A juxtaposition to my original passion. It only makes me wish more that I can relive the past and freeze time.   I unno, I just wanted to say a lot of things before I go on another Steam hibernation, and I honestly doubt there's that many people that care what I do at this point, but I hope everyone, friends and old rivals alike, are doing well and that backpack.tf can flourish to even greater heights than what I can remember. Hopefully the economy doesn't crash and burn like so many boldly predicted years ago. I hope that one of you out there can successfully create so many suggestions at unforeseen heights, that you can be remembered, forever. I hope that the moderating team can shine so bright that they would be unparalleled to any other mod team in any other community. Most of all: I hope your passion never burns out at whatever you do.   Some guy I am.   ----   http://puu.sh/ly8E2/27909b7f75.jpg - me a couple years ago at an orchestra sort-of reunion. I refuse to show my current self because I got a pretty bad haircut, lol.

KoDoRiN

KoDoRiN

 

So yeah...

Lately, I've been extremely inactive. It is for various reason that I don't feel like going into. In short, I've made multiple commitments that will last for many years, maybe lifetime, in life and I've come to realize that Steam trading isn't helping with my commitments. What I also noticed is that Steam trading isn't an enjoyment for me, it's a chore. And it's not helping me with my commitments goal. Therefore, I will no longer participate in Steam Trading and lay off of backpack.tf. Would I still be around for Steam? I don't know. It depends if I'm in the mood, but I'm expecting days, maybe weeks of intervals where I would be offline.   This does not mean that I don't appreciate the memories that I had when the fun lasted, it had my fun. But Steam trading and suggestion is basically an epitome of a roller coaster; there was ups, downs, all arounds, but I'm afraid I've reached the part where the roller coaster comes to a screeching halt. I'll give some anonymous people a little gift, but if I barely interacted you, let alone talk to you, don't expect anything.   But thanks for everything guys, 'till I see ya guys again.

KoDoRiN

KoDoRiN

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