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[WALL OF TEXT] Need advices and proofreading


Doctor Roflcopter

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Hey guys,

I finished writting my essay earlier and I'd like to get some other people's opinions on it. Please do point out any typos I might have made and point out if I forgot a word by accident.

 

Again, I want to thank anyone that will provide constructive critisism and help.

ESSAY

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Bread has been the source of nourishment for humans for over 30,000 years. It should come to no surprise that it is recognized by nearly every culture on Earth. Due to it's popularity, Margaret Atwood's story "Bread" uses bread to symbolize both good and bad human behaviors.   

 

To start off, the reader will constantly be placed in a position with a hard decision to make. In the second segment of the story, the small piece of bread you have can serve as a symbol of compassion and care for your dying sister. Giving her that piece of bread instead of filling your own empty stomach means that you actually care about your siblings and that you will put their lives over your own. Another part of the story where the reader has the choice to do something good is during the third segment. You can choose to resist against the authority of the prison and withhold the secret they seek. Doing so will save dozens of your comrades but at the cost of your own life. A piece of bread if offered to the reader if he chooses to stay silent. That piece of bread represents the sacrifice you've made to save a lot more. Bread here can symbolize many great human traits in times of dire need. 

 

Going on, bread in this story can not only take on the role of good acts, it can also show bad ones. Bread may represent life as seen in the fourth segment, but it not use as a way to give life to others. But rather, as a way to exemplify the human greed. That behavior can be observed in the rich woman's decision to forsake her poor sister and her 5 children who will later all die to starvation. Going back to the third segment, there's actually two ways to interpret bread. The first one was mentioned above but the second one is death. Indeed, one can view that the piece of bread means death considering that it is offered if the reader would chose to die. Atwood wants to show us that the human nature can sometimes be cruel and uncaring. 

 

Margaret Atwood does a magnificent job at manipulating the reader's emotions. She would start off the story by giving the average reader a familiar setting in which he can relate to, a typical middle-class life. As the story progresses, the reader would unconsciously develop a guilty feeling seeing how bread can be important to some people while it's taken for granted by others. The way she uses something familiar such as bread to convey her message is quite brilliant.

 

 

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Paragraph 1-

 

1st sentence: consider replacing the word "the" with "a" in the phrase "has been the source of nourishment". When you say "the" it makes it seem like it's necessarily the main source of nourishment, when in fact other things like meat may be just as important.

2nd sentence: replace the word "to" with "as" in the phase "should come to no surprise"

3rd sentence: there is no need for an apostrophe in the word "it's" in the phrase "Due to it's popularity". There is no possessive apostrophe in its. Don't ask why.

 

Paragraph 2- 

 

2nd sentence: put a comma after "siblings" in the phrase "care about your siblings and you".

3rd sentence: replace the world "is" with "comes" in the phrase "is during the third segment".

 

Paragraph 3- 

 

1st sentence: this needs to be a little more clear... take on the role of good deeds? I know you don't want to say symbolize again but think of something similar to that. 

2nd sentence: say "but it is not used" instead of "but it not use".

3rd sentence: I'd recommend you don't say "But" again in the phrase "But rather". Just saying "Rather,". Also, you really don't need to say "the human greed". Just put "human greed".

7th sentence: replace "Indeed, one can view" with "Indeed, you could say" or something like that. It just sounds a lot better.

8th sentence: again, just put "human nature" instead of "the human nature". 

 

Paragraph 4-

 

2nd sentence: say "she starts off" instead of "she would start off".

3rd sentence: say "the reader unconsciously develops" instead of "the reader would unconsciously develop".

 

NOTE: THIS IS JUST WHAT I NOTICED WITHOUT LOOKING EXTREMELY CAREFULLY AND YOU SHOULD HEAD SOUTHWEST TO CONSULT YOUR FRIENDS FROM ONTARIO BEFORE TURNING IT IN! (Lol)

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Paragraph 3- 

 

1st sentence: this needs to be a little more clear... take on the role of good deeds? I know you don't want to say symbolize again but think of something similar to that. 

2nd sentence: say "but it is not used" instead of "but it not use".

 

1st sentence : Yep, finding a synomym for symbolize after using it like 10 times gets kind of hard

2nd sentence : I actually meant to write that, guess I'm just tired.

 

I'll just change it real quick.

Thanks

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1st sentence : Yep, finding a synomym for symbolize after using it like 10 times gets kind of hard

2nd sentence : I actually meant to write that, guess I'm just tired.

 

 

As for everything else, I corrected those errors.

Thanks for the help!

 

Use represent, be a symbol of, stand for, indicate, signify, personify, show, express, illustrate

 

All of those instead can be used

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Use represent, be a symbol of, stand for, indicate, signify, personify, show, express, illustrate

 

All of those instead can be used

 

Alright, thanks. I'll consider it next time I write an essay.

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I remember something my English teacher told me once, don't begin your 1st body paragraph with "to start off". You already have started off, if you say that as your transition, you negate your entire intro. 

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